Chapter 49: Awakening
She was so screwed.
Chen Cheng woke up half an hour before her morning alarm rang.
Lying in the dimly lit room, she stared blankly at the ceiling, her head tilted slightly in a daze. A lingering tingling sensation, like tiny electric currents, still coursed through her spine. Without thinking, she stretched her legs, toes curling involuntarily.
She covered her face with both hands.
“Damn it!”
It was her first time trying that in this body, and it was even better than she had expected.
Now that she’d experienced it once, she found herself wanting more. Even her dreams last night had been filthy, and now, first thing in the morning, she was left with a sticky, uncomfortable mess.
Wasn’t this supposed to calm her down afterward?
“Aaaahhhh—!”
Chen Cheng groaned and rolled around in bed, completely distraught.
She was a man! Was she really going to end up like those fallen heroines in hentai, enslaved by pleasure?!
The only thing to be thankful for was that she had used a proper doujin as material last night. At least she hadn’t been fantasizing about An Yuan…
But she had projected herself onto the female protagonist.
…Wait.
Maybe this wasn’t just her problem.
Chen Cheng remembered the little toy in her wardrobe drawer, reasoning that if this body didn't have an inherently strong libido, then why had her past self even needed that toy?
This was probably just her body’s instincts waking up.
“…I feel empty inside again.”
She murmured weakly.
The first time she voluntarily wore women’s clothing, she had felt this same emptiness. And now, after doing that for the first time, the feeling was back.
It was as if the traces of her 27 years as a man were slowly fading, bit by bit, erased by time, by her actions, by her choices.
She was torn, half terrified, half expectant.
Terrified that her past self was disappearing. Afraid that the 27 years of life she had lived would become meaningless. Yet, she also hoped that, by fully embracing this body, she could finally rid herself of the unbearable disconnect between mind and form.
But mostly, she was just scared.
The cold wave of fear quickly extinguished any lingering heat in her body, leaving behind nothing but unease.
“Chengcheng? What’s wrong?”
Her mother was already up making breakfast. Hearing her muffled groans, she knocked on the door.
Chen Cheng weakly responded, “Nothing.”
“You still have another half-hour to sleep. Auntie brought over two bags of pasta yesterday. I’m making some for breakfast.”
Chen Cheng closed her eyes. She didn’t feel particularly sad, yet somehow, a tear slipped from the corner of her eye, landing silently on the pillow.
“…Life is meaningless anyway.”
She muttered, trying to comfort herself. But the more she tried, the tighter her throat felt. Still, she had more important things to deal with.
Taking a deep breath, she wiped the tears away with her pillow, sat up, slipped on her slippers, and left her room, expressionless, as she went to wash up and change her underwear.
She hated crying.
Back when she was a man, everyone around her had said crying was weak and pathetic, something to be laughed at. Even her own parents had told her, "Men don’t cry easily."
So, ever since middle school, she had never dared to cry in front of anyone.
No matter how miserable she felt, the most she allowed herself were a few silent tears, hidden beneath the covers.
Just like now.
“You’re up early today,” her mother said with a warm smile, appearing at the bathroom door. “Breakfast isn’t even ready yet. What time did you sleep last night?”
“A little past midnight, I think?”
She had been so exhausted from “playing” yesterday that she collapsed into bed without even checking the time.
Her mother walked over, gently fixing Chen Cheng’s messy hair. “Do you want me to braid it for you? I bet you’d look beautiful.”
“No thanks. I don’t really like braids.”
“You seem upset. Something wrong?”
Chen Cheng froze for a moment before quickly denying it. “Huh? No, not at all.”
How did she notice? Was it that obvious?
She looked up at her reflection in the mirror. Her face was blank, emotionless. Usually, she forced a faint smile, but today, there wasn’t even that.
“If something’s on your mind, don’t keep it bottled up. You can talk to me, okay?”
Her mother had become stricter with her ever since she became a “daughter,” but at the same time, she had grown softer, more gentle.
In the past, Chen Cheng had never heard such words from her. There had been barely any real conversations between them at all.
She shook her head. “It’s nothing, just a bad dream. It scared me a little.”
“Oh? What kind of dream?”
“I… dreamed that I turned into a man again, and you kicked me out of the house.”
Her mother burst into laughter. “Would that really be so bad? I’ve always wanted a son! A son could even protect me.”
“I could do that too!”
“Alright, stop thinking about weird stuff. Bad dreams usually mean the opposite will happen.” She playfully knocked Chen Cheng on the head. “The noodles should be ready soon. I’ll go check.”
“Mm.”
Once her mother left, Chen Cheng slipped into the bathroom, locked the door, and pulled out the damp underwear hidden in her pocket, getting ready to change into a fresh pair after using the toilet.
Her mother’s words lingered in her mind.
Was that… her mother’s unspoken wish?
Thinking back, in her past life, she had never protected her mother. After graduating college, she had rented a tiny apartment far away, using work as an excuse to escape from her family.
That “I could do that too” was a complete lie.
Chen Cheng sighed, feeling a complicated mix of emotions.
When she arrived at the dining area, her mother was busy frying eggs while chatting with An Yuan’s mother over a video call.
“An Yuan wants to take you for a health check-up? Should we go together? How much does it cost? Do we get a discount if we bring more people?” She turned to ask Chen Cheng, “Chengcheng, do you want to go for a check-up?”
“I have my high school entrance medical exam coming up. No need to do it twice.”
“Oh, that’s fine then. Better not hang around An Yuan too much anyway.”
An Yuan’s mother on the call was immediately unhappy. “Hey! What’s wrong with my An Yuan? He’s a great kid! Tall, handsome, smart! Wouldn’t it be nice if Chengcheng liked him? Why are you acting like some old-fashioned, strict parent?”
“Chengcheng, do you like An Yuan?”
“Nope!”
“See? An Yuan used to bully Chengcheng all the time. How could she like him?”
Her mother let out a satisfied hmph, ended the call, and brought the freshly cooked breakfast to the table before going back to cleaning the house.
Even though she had woken up half an hour early, Chen Cheng felt surprisingly well-rested. Probably because she had finally gotten a long, deep sleep.
She sighed, removing her glasses and rubbing the bridge of her nose in frustration.
With how sensitive her body had become lately, she really should keep her distance from An Yuan.
But that troublemaker Li Wanyi was still trying to get in and make a move on him.
Besides, if she intentionally avoided An Yuan, wouldn’t that just seem suspicious? If he started noticing something was off and somehow figured out the truth… where would that leave her? How could she still keep up their pure brotherly bond?
“…Ugh. Guess I’ll go study some English vocab.”
Since she had extra time anyway, she might as well do something productive.
Even if she hated memorizing English words.
She couldn’t afford to fall behind An Yuan. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be able to apply to the same university.