Chapter 177: The Repressed Paranoia
Evelia rubbed her fingertips against the cold moisture until the liquid slowly dried and disappeared.
She pressed her lips tightly together, trying to make that thing, which shouldn’t have appeared, go away.
She didn’t know what kind of expression she had now. All she knew was that she was wiping her face in a panic with her hand, trying to erase all traces.
Showing weakness was always a big mistake for an assassin. Evelia sniffled and took a deep breath, forcing herself to stay calm.
She couldn’t let anyone see her like this.
That’s what she kept telling herself inside.
She couldn’t show emotions. She couldn’t show any weakness. No one could be allowed to see if she was happy, angry, sad, or scared.
As the Second Prince’s assassin, she had to stay calm at all times.
I am an assassin. Nothing more than that.
I am the Red Crow. I am the trusted aide of the Second Prince. I must… carry out everything perfectly.
Yes, that’s right. That’s who I am.
She kept trying to convince herself, again and again.
That was her way of comforting herself, cold and forced.
When she realized Armand hadn’t truly accepted her, she told herself, ‘I’m just an assassin. I’m only here to complete a mission. Armand is just a target. I shouldn’t be fooled by what I see.’
But… was that really true?
Could she really let go of everything she had touched here? Could she really throw it all away? Could she really go back to the darkness?
Evelia didn’t want to keep thinking about it.
Her thoughts were starting to spiral, and she was reaching her mental limit. She had to stop.
But the pain in her heart wouldn’t go away.
That feeling of loss, that sadness, the helpless feeling of falling back into the abyss, made her lips tremble.
In the end, she still has nothing.
Evelia was someone who easily fell into obsessive thoughts.
Once she felt something painful, it was hard for her to let go.
She had always been alone.
Ever since she was abandoned by that person, the pain had never left her.
Years of pressure and control had turned her, already quiet and shy, into who she was now. A girl pushing herself forward into a dark place with no light, struggling for every breath. Now, Armand’s rejection felt like a noose tightening around her neck.
As the Red Crow, she should—
“—Mom.”
Sensing that Evelia’s condition was getting worse, Rachel could no longer stay still. She threw her arms around Evelia and hugged her tightly, using her small body to try and give some warmth.
Evelia froze.
She looked down at the little girl clinging to her so nervously.
Ah… my tears…
She felt the wetness in her eyes, and before Rachel could notice, she quickly wiped them away.
What Evelia didn’t know was that, even if she wiped the tears right away, her eyes were already red.
She turned her head to look at Rachel. Even though her face looked pitiful, her eyes still had that same fierce glare as before.
She must never let anyone see her weak.
That thought echoed loudly in her mind.
Even though her heart longed for someone to care about her, even though she deeply wanted to be accepted, she still believed she couldn’t show her weak side.
Evelia was pushing herself way too hard.
Her real self had been hidden deep inside for a long time, and now even the mask she wore on the outside was starting to crack.
The things she wanted to say were always pushed down. The things she wished for, because she didn’t know how to express feelings, could never be spoken.
If this keeps going… she might break down completely.
When all those repressed, real emotions finally break loose… she’ll probably turn into someone completely broken.
Or maybe, this Evelia, who doesn’t understand her own feelings, was never really "normal" to begin with.
“—Ah, um, I didn’t see anything.”
Rachel quickly turned her head away, pretending to look at the wilted houseplant in the corner that had clearly been overwatered.
It seemed like no one had ever taught Evelia how to take care of something living.
Looking at the poor, dying plant, Rachel sighed to herself.
From the way the pot was kept, you could tell Evelia had tried to care for it. But she gave it too much water, too much "love" and "attention", and in the end, it still died.
She longed for love. She wanted to give love. But all she got in return… was loss.
…What a poor girl. If this keeps going, she really might become obsessed in a scary way.
Well… maybe she already is.
...I have to do something.
Seeing Evelia fall silent again, Rachel began to panic.
Even though technically this was Armand’s fault for doing the wrong thing, and she only accidentally let it slip. Still, she had to admit, she shared some of the blame for Evelia’s current state. It was all because she couldn’t keep her mouth shut.
Ugh—relationships are way harder than she thought...
To be honest, Rachel wasn’t exactly an expert on human relationships either. She didn’t even like interacting with people very much.
She was the type to get totally absorbed in alchemy, some people even called her an “alchemy weirdo.”
She experimented on herself. Some people saw that as a sign of dedication; others thought she was totally nuts.
So when most people found her impossible to understand, she just stopped trying to understand them back.
If she hadn’t lived a hundred years and picked up some life experience, she probably would’ve been just like Evelia. Someone who had no idea how to connect with others.
But even so, even with a century of life behind her, Rachel still acted like someone much younger. She didn’t have the emotional maturity you'd expect, maybe even less. If she did, she probably wouldn’t have ended up dead at the hands of the Second Prince.
Because of that, in some ways, Rachel really could understand how Evelia felt.
That feeling of having emotions but not knowing how to express them…
That loneliness of doing everything you can, but in the end, still being left all alone…
Rachel knew it well.
If she hadn’t felt that same kind of loneliness, why else would she have created this new body for herself in the first place?
Sure, she told herself it was to study the growth and emotions of alchemy bodies… but to be honest, wasn’t it really just because she wanted a daughter?
She was tired of being alone for a hundred years. She had felt the coldness of isolation before, and she didn’t want Evelia, who was now somehow both her “mom” and her “daughter”, to fall into that same sadness.
She had to think of something, to give Evelia a way to let out her emotions.
She needed Evelia to vent it all out. Then, maybe, Evelia could finally say what was really on her mind.
Humans have mouths, not just to eat, breathe, or kiss, but to talk.
Rachel suddenly remembered that prank Armand pulled back then. At first, she thought he was just messing around because he didn’t like her. But now she got it.
Armand had the same idea. Even if his way was kind of weird, he wanted Evelia to get angry, to experience feelings, and to let them out.
You used me last time to help Evelia let out her emotions—
This time, it’s your turn!
Thinking this, Rachel stood up.
She didn’t know if saying what she was about to say would get her killed, but she couldn’t just watch Evelia get more and more trapped in her thoughts.
After all, no one ever abandoned her. No matter what, she and Armand are both here for her. Since she came to this place, she’s never truly been alone.
“Mom!”
Rachel grabbed Evelia’s hand and shouted boldly and loudly.
“Let’s go throw Dad in the trash can!”
“...?”