Chapter 181: Vicious Cycle
"You must always remember who gave you everything."
That was what the Second Prince often said to Evelia. And Evelia always kept those words in her mind.
"It was you, Your Highness, who gave me everything… You are my everything…"
That was what Evelia always answered. Every time, she would kneel, press her forehead to the floor, and thank him for his kindness. If he asked her to, she would even kiss the tip of his shoe.
He was like a god to her.
He became her faith.
He made her believe that everything she had came from his generosity.
Because from the very beginning, she was someone who had been abandoned.
From the moment she found out she had been betrayed and thrown away, Evelia began to reject herself more and more. Her heart started to twist.
As a child, she hadn’t developed a full sense of self yet. She needed others to guide her.
But because she was guided the wrong way, her emotions became damaged. That’s how she ended up like this.
Her innocence was crushed, and her quiet personality made her feel even smaller.
In that kind of situation, if anyone gave her even a little kindness, something others would think was almost nothing, she would give everything in return, almost like she was obsessed.
She had to please him.
She had to obey him.
She had to make him happy.
Because he was the one who gave her everything. She could not disobey him. Because he was the one who could take everything away.
So she swore loyalty to that prince and gave her whole self to him.
He was her life. Her heartbeat. Her breath. Her soul.
Evelia lived with a kind of unhealthy, almost sick dependence.
She had thrown away her true self. All that was left was an empty shell.
She was like a puppet. Sometimes the strings made her pick up a blade, sometimes made her hold flowers.
She was terrified of being left behind, so she had to cling to something to feel safe.
Even though her body was like an empty doll, somewhere deep inside, her real heart still existed.
Through meeting others, she started to learn more. Her dry, withered heart slowly began to grow again.
She started to want more. But only if she could have it.
She wanted to have something. But only if it meant she wouldn’t be left behind.
This vicious cycle carved wounds into Evelia’s heart.
She started to believe that the only way to get something was to first make sure she wouldn’t lose it. And to not lose anything, she became extremely careful. So careful that she made herself low and small, like a crawling insect.
But her weak and broken emotions made it hard for her to express her needs.
She couldn’t find the words. She couldn’t even understand what her own heart was trying to say.
She was just a tool, an object. And if she didn’t want to be thrown away after being used, then she had to be perfect.
And perfect people… never ask for anything.
So, Evelia chose to stay completely silent.
She accepted everything, endured everything, and believed that by doing so, she could have everything.
She was a good girl, the Second Prince’s good girl. No matter what he said, she would do it. Her way of thinking made her throw away her own mind.
As long as she followed his orders, as long as she obeyed his will, everything would be fine.
—‘That’s the reason I was born.’
That suffocating belief became Evelia’s way of surviving. If the Second Prince told her to stop breathing, she might really do it.
But—
Now, in a certain moment, something inside her started to shake. And honestly, it was kind of a sad truth.
What Evelia truly needed… was never the Second Prince himself.
Yes, he had trained her to become the perfect “Red Crow.” But what Evelia really needed wasn’t him.
What she needed was simply something, or someone to rely on. As long as her heart accepted it, anything or anyone could become her emotional support.
It didn’t even have to be a person. It could be an animal, a mountain, a river. Or even… a tiny packet of tomato sauce.
She just hadn’t realized this yet.
She had always believed she had to be loyal to the Second Prince. But now, deep down, she had already begun to depend on someone else.
So now she was completely confused.
Just like a robot receiving wrong instructions, her mind was filled with flashing red error messages. She kept sending out distress signals, but no one. Not even herself could fix the problem. It was like her whole system was about to break down.
She didn’t know what to do.
She followed the Second Prince’s orders. But at the same time, she craved Armand’s kindness.
She kept telling herself.
“This is just a mission.”
“Don’t think too much.”
“You must get rid of these useless feelings.”
“You can’t let the Second Prince think you’re disobedient.”
But what happened today… was like a match that lit the fuse.
Now, her thoughts were completely out of control. She told herself to stop thinking. Yet she couldn’t help imagining everything deeper and deeper.
Maybe the only way to calm her messed-up mind was to lose consciousness.
“I’m sorry… Armand…”
Messy, weak, and numb, she repeated “sorry” over and over. Just like she was back in the past, reliving the fear the Second Prince had once made her feel.
If this were the “House of Nightingales,” she would have already dropped to her knees, begging for forgiveness.
“What are you saying…?”
Hearing Evelia’s endless apologies, Armand’s eyebrows tightened in concern.
What was she even saying?
Clearly, Armand didn’t understand. Or rather, he couldn’t understand.
Why was someone who was clearly the one hurt, apologizing to the person who hurt her?
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I… I shouldn’t have…”
She kept mumbling over and over, like a broken record stuck on repeat.
“Eve…”
Armand, feeling worried, reached out and gently took her hand after thinking for a moment. Her fingertips were ice-cold. Even when he held her hand tightly, she didn’t respond at all.
“Eve—”
He called her name again, hoping it would bring her back to her senses. He didn’t know why Evelia was acting so strangely, and honestly, he was starting to panic inside.
…Please, don’t be like this.
Seeing Evelia in such a state felt like a knife in Armand’s heart.
Her face was pale, her lips trembling. Those golden eyes that were once so bright had completely lost their shine.
Her gaze was scattered and lost, as dark and gloomy as a rainy night without the moon.
He had wanted her to learn how to feel emotions. But not like this, not in such a painful, out-of-control way.
Armand had always known that people from the “House of Nightingales” all had some kind of emotional issues, but he didn’t expect Evelia’s condition to be this serious.
“Eve!”
He shouted her name again, but still got no response. Evelia was still trapped inside her own darkness. Wandering, hesitating, unsure of what to do.
She wanted Armand’s attention. She wanted his sympathy. And slowly, she realized something…
Her heart was starting to lean toward Armand. She could place her hopes in anyone. And yes, that included Armand.
That’s why she was so afraid. Just like she once clung to the Second Prince, she was now clinging to Armand. Just like she feared being abandoned by the Second Prince, she feared being left by Armand too.
“Damn it—Evelia Croyelle!”
Maybe it was frustration, maybe anger. Or maybe Armand had finally had enough.
His heart was hurting, as if he was suffocating along with her.
He grabbed Evelia’s shoulders tightly, and with a rough voice, he turned her body toward him.
In that moment, Evelia snapped out of it. She stared at Armand in fear, her eyes wide.
“Haah… damn it, seriously, please…”
The curse slipped from his mouth out of emotion, but it only made him feel even more guilty.
He shook his head, took a breath, and looked at Evelia with worry. His hands still rested on her shoulders, and he gently shook her twice.
“Eve—You…”
His voice was no longer angry, but full of concern.
He wanted to save her. But he didn’t know how.
She wanted to be saved. But those around her didn’t know how to help.
“Calm down, Eve…”
If he truly wanted to bring her out of that darkness, he couldn’t let himself get pulled in too.
He couldn’t let her emotions take over his.
So, Armand took a deep breath and forced himself to stay calm. Even though his heart still hurt.
He had to be her guide now. Not just someone who broke down beside her.
Even if he was just someone for her to vent to, even if he was just a “trash can” for her pain, that would be enough.
“I’ll be a good listener, I promise. So like I said before, talk to me, Eve.”
As he said those words, his eyes were steady and full of warmth. His blue eyes shone like diamonds reflecting the sea. A sea big enough to carry and accept everything she had inside.