Chapter 339: The Past I Can’t Let Go Of
“—Mr. Armand, are you alright?”
“...Mm...”
It was like he had drifted off into memories for a moment. When he focused again and looked at the girl in front of him, his heart was still a little dazed.
He reached out and gently pinched Evelia’s cheek, as if everything in front of him still felt a bit unreal.
“Furst?”
“Yes... I’m here.”
It wasn’t the name he used before, but Evelia still answered quietly and obediently. She even rubbed her cheek against Armand’s palm, softly pressing her face into his broad hand.
“......”
Armand’s expression, in just a few seconds, became rich and complicated. So much that this “beginner” in emotions couldn’t even tell how many feelings flashed across his own face.
Of course he was happy to see an old friend from the past again.
The burden he had carried for ten years was finally lifted in this moment. No matter how painful the process was, “Furst Talia”, that knot in his heart that had never been untangled, was finally giving him a chance to breathe freely again.
He didn’t even know how many times he had said “thank goodness” in his heart. Even out loud, he kept repeating the words over and over.
…Thank goodness.
He was grateful that “he” was still alive, joyful that “he” had returned to him—
But even so, that feeling of guilt still hadn’t completely gone away.
He could say he had let go of the past pressure, but the guilt he felt toward Furst wouldn’t vanish just because of one simple “I’m here.”
“Eve… ah, Furst—”
For a moment, he didn’t even know what to call him.
If Evelia had been someone else, someone he didn’t know before, maybe he wouldn’t feel this way. But because the person standing in front of him was an old friend from the past, that thought popped up in his mind, ‘How could you end up like this?’
Because he used to know him. He knew what kind of person he was.
He was an unlucky guy trying his best to live, a friend who trusted him, and a kid who once found hope just from something he said…
And all of that, he had destroyed with his own hands.
That kind of kid, in the end, became “Red Crow.” And not just that… he became “Evelia.”
“...I’m sorry...”
After the joy faded, guilt returned as he faced the truth.
Armand gently stroked Evelia’s cheek. If it weren’t for this scene, no one would believe that the phrase “sobbing with tears” could be used to describe the captain of the knight order in front of them.
But right now, that’s exactly what he was.
At first, he had tried hard to keep his emotions in check. But now, with everything flooding in at once, he truly couldn’t hold it back anymore.
“I’m sorry... it’s all my fault...”
This guilt had built up for ten whole years.
Even though meeting again should be a happy thing, this wave of emotion hit him like a flood and completely broke down the nerves he had kept tight for so long.
“...Cough, cough—sorry—Furst... I clearly promised to take you away... cough cough cough...!”
His emotions stirred up a wave of blood, pain twisting in his stomach with a metallic taste. Blood clogged up his nose, and more gathered in his throat. If he hadn’t forced himself to cough it out, he might have choked to death right there.
Armand probably never imagined that they would reunite after all these years, nor that his body would be in such a bad state when it finally happened.
His face was pale, looking like someone on the verge of death.
And yet, this was supposed to be such a precious reunion.
“Mr. Armand…!?”
Evelia quickly wiped the blood off Armand’s face.
She had thought that even if Armand treated her so well, even if he was a "despicable" person, after ten years of hatred bottled up inside her, she should at least be able to say a few angry words to him—
But, just like she had said before, Armand was truly too despicable.
Seeing him like this now, who could really bring themselves to say harsh things?
"I'm sorry... I'm the one who... turned you into this."
It was all my fault.
Over all these years, he had said those words to himself so many times.
And just like Evelia back then, he had also been trying to learn what emotions are, learning how to express them, learning how to understand the true feelings inside himself—
So, the more he came to understand emotions, the deeper his guilt became.
He lowered his head, letting the blood soak into the bedsheets, and poured out all his years of apology to Evelia.
"Mr. Armand—I—"
Evelia looked at Armand's terrible condition. She instinctively wanted to comfort him, but maybe the weight of this matter was too heavy in her heart too. So even though she started to say “I—”, the next three words, “don’t mind it,” just couldn’t come out.
Evelia… there’s no way she didn’t mind.
All these years, this incident was even the reason she kept on living. How could she not care?
Yes… after all, she wasn't some saint who could just let go of ten years of hatred with a snap.
Even if it was Mr. Armand, even if he was her lover, the most important person in her life, she still—
“Please... rest for now. I’ve heard your apology.”
She reached out and wiped the fresh blood from Armand’s face. Seeing how much pain he was in, her heart ached too.
“But... you need to get better first. When you’re ready, then tell me everything.”
Just like how Armand always smiled gently when comforting her in the past, Evelia now tried her best to copy the same way he used to smile.
Even though her smile was still a little stiff, and she couldn’t quite imitate Armand’s soft warmth yet, the worry in her eyes, Armand could clearly see it.
—Even if Evelia wasn’t ready to let go of everything right away, she didn’t mind waiting until everything was over to finally hear the truth about what happened back then.
When that time comes… when Mr. Armand gets better, then they could properly settle everything.
“......”
But in Armand’s eyes, this kindness felt more like a kind of "forgiveness", and it didn’t make him feel better. Instead, it made his guilty conscience hurt even more.
“......”
But he couldn’t say anything back. His throat was stuck with blood and words of apology. Whether he tried to breathe through his mouth or nose, it all felt painful.
“Mr. Armand.”
Evelia gently held his face. Armand’s condition was awful, but Evelia’s feelings were also incredibly complicated.
“Please stop crying.”
But even as she said that, her own voice was shaking.
“You still have a fever... so please stop crying.”
“...Mm...”
Armand forced out a sound from his throat, feeling Evelia’s forehead gently press against his own.
“No matter what happened in the past, we’re together now, like this. When you’re ready, tell me everything. And when that time comes, I’ll decide how to punish you.”
“......”
“...Alright.”
Armand’s voice was a little muffled, like he didn’t want to let go. He rubbed his forehead against Evelia’s.
No matter what kind of punishment… it didn’t matter.
Because from the beginning, this life of mine has always been for you.