Chapter 45: I Don’t Want to Be a Girl (Part 2)
She pressed her face against Bai Shuchuan’s chest. The cold in her body slowly faded away. His embrace was so warm, so comforting. The awkwardness and pain in her heart suddenly found a way to come out. Tears flowed again without control. Su Moyu curled up in his arms, her mind completely blank.
So childish… she was really being childish.
Feeling his arms wrapped around her back, a strange thought suddenly came to her mind.
So, when the Su Moyu of this world feels sad, she can rely on such a warm embrace.
She quietly buried her face in his arms. Her feelings were a mess, and she couldn’t think clearly at all.
Sometimes she was just like this, doing whatever she wanted without thinking about the consequences.
For example… throwing herself into Bai Shuchuan’s arms like a crying child.
Thinking of this, her cheeks suddenly turned hot.
Even someone as slow as Bai Shuchuan should have noticed something by now.
“Do you feel a little better?” Bai Shuchuan asked softly.
She nodded in his arms, but didn’t move away.
She didn’t know how to face him once she pulled back and saw his face. She couldn’t pretend anymore like nothing mattered.
“So… what exactly is wrong?” Bai Shuchuan asked in a low voice. Feeling her soft body in his arms and hearing her quiet sobs, his voice became gentler without him realizing it.
Su Moyu swallowed, her voice hoarse and soft.
“Nothing…” she said quietly. “I just feel… being a girl isn’t good at all.”
Bai Shuchuan frowned slightly. Hearing her small complaints, he spoke without thinking.
“You seemed pretty happy before.”
But when the words reached his lips, he realized there was no need to say that.
“Are you still sad about your breakup?” he asked after thinking for a moment.
“Mm.” Su Moyu answered softly. “I really want to stop contacting her, but now we’re still friends… the kind who talk about everything.”
“Bai Shuchuan, am I being too self-centered?” she asked after a pause, still lying in his arms.
“Why do you think that?” Bai Shuchuan replied softly. “When I broke up with Chen Xue, I was sad for a long time too.”
“But you laughed at me back then,” Su Moyu said, her voice carrying a bit of complaint. Because she had just cried, her voice sounded thick and nasal, making her sound even more pitiful.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think much back then…” Bai Shuchuan apologized sincerely.
“I have no idea what to do with my life in the future,” Su Moyu said quietly. “I feel really uneasy. When I think about living like this forever, I feel like I can’t breathe.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because… I don’t want to become your burden,” she muttered. Her cheeks grew warm again. “We’re married now, right? If I let you see how lost and uneasy I am, would you compromise for me… and keep this marriage going even though it should end?”
As she said this, she finally pulled herself out of his arms.
“If you really did that, I would feel like I’m being selfish.”
Bai Shuchuan stared at her face in a daze. The cool light fell on her cheeks. Su Moyu’s face was red, and a soft glow moved inside her beautiful eyes.
“But from this point of view, you are my wife right now, aren’t you?” Bai Shuchuan said.
Su Moyu’s cheeks suddenly became even redder. “Why… why are you saying that all of a sudden?”
“Then until you get used to this kind of life, we can just stay like this. After all, you’re one of the people I’m most familiar with. When you decide what you want to do, it won’t be too late to end this relationship.”
“If something changes in the middle, we can deal with it then. No matter what, in other people’s eyes, you are my wife. So whatever I do for you is completely reasonable, right?”
His voice sounded calm. Su Moyu felt like he might be hinting at something, but she wasn’t sure. Still, based on what she knew about him, he wasn’t the kind of person who spoke in hidden meanings.
She actually liked this kind of life, she liked being cared for by Bai Xiaqing and Bai’s parents. But she was still a “fake bride” in the Bai family, and that feeling of guilt always made her uneasy.
“Okay… thank you,” Su Moyu said softly, pushing down the messy thoughts in her heart.
“I told you, if something makes you sad, just tell me,” Bai Shuchuan said. “When you suddenly act like this, I really don’t know how to deal with it.”
Su Moyu felt a bit embarrassed again.
“If we really get divorced later, your sister, your mom, and your relatives…”
“I’ll handle that,” Bai Shuchuan said. “If needed, I’ll just act like the bad one, so you’ll have a proper reason to leave.”
Su Moyu was truly touched.
“But then won’t my parents have a bad impression of you?”
“There’s no other way. You care more about these things than I do. In the end, no matter what happens, we can still talk like before.”
Su Moyu nodded, feeling more relaxed and at ease.
“Um… I still want to ask one thing,” Bai Shuchuan said after hesitating for a moment.
“What is it?”
“Do you dislike it when I touch you like that?”
Su Moyu blinked and wiped the tears from the corner of her eyes. Then her mind suddenly wandered to some more intimate thoughts.
“Well… it’s actually okay.”
Her tone became a little hesitant.
In truth, she really wanted to throw herself into his arms again, to feel that warm embrace one more time.
“But this morning when I hugged you, it felt like you were a bit angry,” Bai Shuchuan said, confused.
Su Moyu swallowed, feeling like her little secret had been seen through.
“I wasn’t angry… I was just a little shy…”
As soon as she said that, she suddenly felt like a shy girlfriend throwing a small tantrum, while Bai Shuchuan seemed like a patient boyfriend trying to comfort her.
“So… you don’t mind, right?”
“Mm, I don’t mind,” Su Moyu answered honestly.
“Sometimes your thoughts are really hard to understand. That does trouble me a bit,” Bai Shuchuan said helplessly. “Just now, I really didn’t know if I should hug you to comfort you.”
“I think I’m a bit strange sometimes too,” Su Moyu said softly.
“Do you feel better now?” Bai Shuchuan asked again.
“Much better,” she replied.
“Then let’s sleep,” Bai Shuchuan said softly. He moved away a little and reached out to turn off the light.
The room became dark. Bai Shuchuan closed his eyes, but his body still remembered the soft feeling from just now.
He tried to calm his emotions, but at that moment, he felt warmth beside him again.
Her soft body once again moved into his arms.